Is it just me, or is everyone getting married, having babies, or turning 21? Even though I’m about to embark onto an adventure into the college world, I know I’m still a little rookie compared to all these people who surround me, and it while I’m not ready to get married or have babies yet (heck no!) I’m ready to be playing in the big leagues finally! I want to shed my reckless teenager shell (that sometimes feels like a cage) and evolve into a young woman ready to conquer the world! (Or at least the collegiate world.)
Yesterday I went to a wedding for one of my coworkers. I was really surprised and happy that he invited me, and while I at first felt a little out of place I ended up having a great time! See, I planned on going with my boyfriend, since he was also invited and my coworker likes to ask me about him a lot. So I asked him a week or maybe two in advance if he’d be willing to come with me to this wedding, and he says sure. Yay! A person to dance with at the reception, roller skate with after the ceremony (it was at the roller rink where we work), and admire me in my dress when he thinks I’m not looking 🙂 . The night before, I texted said boyfriend, reminding him of the wedding… (I think you know where this is going…).
He had to work.
I was irritated, a tad pissed even. He did, however, send me an apology that was sincere because he knew it was important to me (and because if I wanted to I could kick his skinny little ass if I wanted to, not that I ever would). So I put on my brave face and went solo. And guess what? I did get noticed in my dress. This guy, Steven started chatting me up early, and ended up protecting me on the rink (although when I did finally fall, it was a ten year old that helped me up). Good ol’ Steve wasn’t too bad, I’ll admit, but I’m one of those people who a) are taken, and b) know within the first ten minutes of talking to someone if I find them appealing (sorry Steve). But he was a pretty nice guy, even if his flattery was a tad much, so I hung out with him anyway. Just to make sure he wouldn’t try to pull a fast one, though, I ended up picking up a few of my other coworkers to come to the reception with me. Good decision. Jake and ExBoyfriend#2 were in the mood to party, so we grabbed this other kid Mikey and busted a move on the dance floor after dinner. Steven was nowhere to be seen, so #2 stole me away on the slow songs.
It was great! Mikey was actually an expert at most of the old-school dance moves, and after all there was cake, so how could the night go wrong? Steven ended up finding me halfway through the dancing, and I did indulge him with a few slow dances, but the guys did a great job of making him feel included into our group, so during the fast songs it was one big circle. Steve ended up telling me how dancing with all of us made his night, and I felt happy to make him happier, especially after the last slow dance when he told me he was going through a rough time because of the loss of his mom. The night had to end, however, and eventually Jake, #2, and I said our goodbyes and left.
So did I wish my boyfriend could have gone with me? Yes. But I ended up having such a great time that it didn’t even matter. Being mad didn’t matter. Because in the end I still love him, and he is lucky to have me, haha! But really, dancing with Steven and my ex boyfriend made me realize how special my sometimes irresponsible boyfriend is. So, maybe in the end I did a little more growing up that night than I realized…after all, staying mad may be easier, but my boyfriend isn’t in control of what kind of night I’m having: I am. Therefore, the adult realization is clear to just forgive that silly boy and go on with life, because I am the one who is in charge of my happiness, no matter if I’m single or taken!
If only I could be of legal drinking age though…. 🙂 .
Last night before I went to bed I got on here and wrote a new post without publishing it. I was so incredibly angry that I just needed someone to listen and take my side right then and there. Because often when you have a fight with someone you care about, you need someone else to tell you that it is okay to be angry and say awful things and act badly. It can be hard sometimes to justify hurting the people you love even when they hurt you first. So I wrote this thing out and I did not hold back and by the time I ended it I felt so wiped out that I just went to bed.
Well, here it is, the day after, and let me tell you, it has sucked. Not only because it’s Monday, but also because I woke up this morning remembering that all of a sudden things between Charles and I didn’t seem so certain anymore.
Let me explain.
I know females are not supposed to want to have sex and be reckless about it and let people they met earlier that night run their hands all over them, but the truth is, some of us are like that. Some of us have given up on giving a damn. So basically, I am in love with Charles, and I thought he loved me, and I trust him and want him to be my first. Not an awful thing to want, right? You’ve got love, check. Trust? Check. Protection? Check. The previous embarrassment of letting someone see you naked? Check. All signs point towards go. The universe is telling you to collect two hundred dollars (should have known it would go downhill…I stink at Monopoly). And yet, said person does not want to have sex.
DID YOU HEAR THAT WORLD, A STRAIGHT, TEENAGE BOY HAS TURNED DOWN SEX!
“Why can’t you be like girls all used to be, and want it to be perfect and just right?” he asked. “Don’t you want it to be with someone you love?”
Great. Not only am I in love with a guy who refuses to sleep with me, but he also seems to doubt the relationship.
In a way, it’s reasons like that which make me want to do it with him. He’s already hurt me and seen me at some truly low points; no one else would be able to walk on in and hurt me.
That’s what shocked me when I reread my almost-blog post when I got home. It was if I just wanted to get it over with, because no matter what, it would never be perfect because I’ll get hurt.
Maybe Charles is right. Maybe its fair that he wants to skip the tears and energy.
Part of me refuses to believe that. Part of me says he owes it to me to let me lay in his arms and need someone there.
But that might be approaching a girly point of view, where her first is the knight in shinning armor. If you want the truth, here it is: everyone wants to feel needed. To give, to accept, to feel wanted. And that includes being physical with people. As a person who feels less certain about the stability and functionality of her mental affairs, it makes sense that I want to express things through a different outlet.
So sorry Charles, that I can’t just wait until the honeymoon and put you through such torture then. Guess I’m just not the girl who will take “Why?” for an answer.