Hello all, and welcome to the world of failure. I am the prime resident here, so I recommend that you jump on the next plane, train, or flying monkey and make your way the fuck out of here–because I’m failing, miserable, and possibly contagious.
This morning I texted a few of the members from my old group therapy. Last night was rough, and so was the night before that. I’ve been doing a lot of lying around, staring at the walls, sleeping, and pathetic cuddling with the stuffed pink pig I keep next to my bed. It hasn’t been too great. I’ve been getting advice from Caitlin, but I’m worried that she is beginning to think I’m annoying and whiny. Which may or may not be a figment of my imagination. But either way, I’m trying to reach out to other people so she doesn’t become annoyed if she’s not already.
Let me explain. See, I’ve been on a down-ward spiral ever since I decided to make more friends–particularly guy friends. That lead to me screwing with my fantastic relationship with my boyfriend, and deciding to make it an open relationship. After that I met a few guys who had a hit-an-run mentality (even if they didn’t hit) which lowered my self-esteem even more. Then my new hobby of running vanished because someone found a body on the trail I run on, making finding a new route to run pretty impossible, because I hate running on the track. And lastly, I’ve been trying to buckle down after I saw the grades of a few exams, but so far I’m still an epic failure.
So, ta-da! My depression is about to take me down like a sniper, and all I’ve got is zip to defend myself. I can’t believe I may have to drop a class. I can’t believe I might change my major. I can’t believe after feeling on top of the world for almost a year, I’m back in the bottom of the barrel. It’s rough, I tell you. This whole life thing is getting rough. Needless to say, I’m looking forward to Christmas break, where I’ll go back to having lots of friends, seeing my boyfriend all the time, and feeling like I am actually worth a damn.
I miss that girl I used to be. The one who was confident, care-free, knew herself and knew who was worth keeping in her life. I feel like she is nothing but an old photograph now…like a dream that almost came true.
Sorry to be so depressing; believe me, I wish I wasn’t. But this is a depression/shit-happens/life-of-a-young-fuck-up blog, so I guess we both should have seen this coming.
Over the years, after my many mishaps and ridiculous affairs, I’ve come to believe that no relationship is permanent. That’s pretty easy to accept when people have left you alone…it softens the blow and lets you believe it’s not always your fault. But let’s actually think about it. Your relationships with your parents can become incredibly strained, if not broken. Friends can be lost with the passing years, and romance is only alive when sustained. And if all that fails, there’s the knowledge that someday we’ll all die, as bitter as it sounds. My point is, if this is acknowledged by a person, why does it still hurt so much when someone leaves us? Ding ding ding! It’s our emotions!! Oh, yeah, those things.
Someone can say the magic of “I really care about you,” “I love you,” “I’ll always be there for you,”. But no one can make them last forever. It’s always alive in moments, and the more time passes in between that moment and the present it can betray you.
Lately I’ve been wishing Landon hadn’t said all those sweet things to me. First of all, it sucks to kiss and hold someone you cannot be with, because of a stupid reason like, “we are both so busy that we would never get to see another enough.” It’s not fair, and it hurts to accept, especially every time you are close with them. However, you know what sucks more? When they are completely oblivious to your existence from then on, and no longer make that much of an effort to talk to you. Yeah, um, asshole, I thought you told me we would be there for each other and be “great friends”. What the hell happened to that idea?!
Because of my lack of time and lack of solution to this hurt, I’m going to keep this post shorter than usual. All I want to know is how someone can do such a thing, no matter how shy they are. This is a guy I’ve known for years, and I know he is not mean-spirited enough to just use someone… But is it possible that he’s really changed his mind? The possibility of that hurts, but what hurts more is the memory of him saying he’d always be there for me, would never want to hurt me….because he hasn’t and he did.