Reality is catching up with me. My beautiful fantasy of a winter break is fading fast with every hour I feel alone or out-of-place at school, and I’m desperately trying to hang onto all of the confidence and hope it gave me. I don’t have the constant entertainment of my friends or the stomach full of laughter, and instead find myself walking alone in the chilly weather, watching life instead of living it. The mornings I would wake up to see my boyfriend lying asleep so peacefully have stayed at home, and here at school I have to substitute such moments for texts, short phone calls, and the occasional Snapchat. Every day passes by so meaningless, and I struggle to find purpose in myself here.
Basically, things aren’t going as well as I’d hoped.
“I think we need to reevaluate again,” my roommate said to me. “Reevaluate what?” I asked, but I had a sinking feeling that I knew exactly where this conversation was headed. “You. I mean, have you met anyone new?” “Yeah…” I swallowed quickly, “Yes! Yes I have!” I struggled to think of someone I could name…but I couldn’t. Finally I said, “I’m fine, okay? I’m fine.” She raised her eyebrows, “Okaayyy….” She didn’t really believe me. I quickly gathered my things and rushed off to dinner, all the way across campus. I didn’t mind walking in the cold, but according to my roommate, that was crazy, which is how we got on the topic of the reevaluation business. We have have this conversation before…(I said I was hanging out with Caitlin) “Don’t you have any other friends?” (I said I wasn’t going out on Friday night) “I think you need to meet more people.” (I explained I was at a meeting) “You joined something? Wow…who knew?”. It was all out of good intentions, but insulting on a whole. One time I asked her, “You think I’m a loser, don’t you?” “No! No I don’t…” She trailed off and looked guilty. “Yes, yes you do,” I told her. She apologized, and I said it was fine, I didn’t care. But you never forget that stuff. When you are alone and feel bad about it, those memories crop up and you can’t even talk to someone about how hurt you are.
Anyway, I got there yesterday, calling my mom in tears. She really understands how hard it is for me, how hard I try to feel good about myself and how shy I am. She knows how much I love my boyfriend and hard it is for me to miss him AND be mostly friend-less. But in a way that made me more sad because that’s just one more person I love who is out of reach. She gave me good advice, though. To try to ignore my roommate, to be happy I am such good friends with Caitlin, to be more involved in organizations so being busy can take my mind off of missing my boyfriend, just lots of stuff like that. She said she was the same way when she was my age, which I’ve known for some time. I’ve always been shy and always will be, like her. Not that I blame her, of course. She has always been my role model.
So I’m going to try to make the best of this week. On Friday I’ll go back home and visit my boyfriend, and tomorrow I have my feminist union meeting, and maybe I’ll try to have dinner with Caitlin sometime this week. I Skyped my boyfriend last night, so maybe I’ll Skype my friends sometime when I need a bit of cheering up, too.
One other thing. I’m going to take my medicine again. I haven’t told anyone, but I stopped taking it when last semester ended. It’s been about a month, and I think if I hadn’t moved into a new dorm this semester and was still in the same dorm as Caitlin I wouldn’t think about taking it again. I know it’s slightly dangerous for me to just stop taking it like that…I’ve done it before and had some serious mental breakdowns…but I want to reach a time where I can go maybe a year without the medication. Someday…
Over the weekend I did have some fun, by the way. A few girls from last semester’s French class and I went out to dinner at a pub downtown and then to a drag show! I was really excited, and even put a little makeup on before I went out, but then while I was walking to the pub: BAM!! I tripped on my shoelace and hit my head on the concrete sidewalk. It was dark, cold, and the only people around were two guys I could see up ahead. I felt a huge knot on my temple and from the shock of it all, started crying and tying up my shoes. Eventually those guys came up to me and asked if I was all right, but I waved them off. I didn’t want to, I wanted someone to pick me up and tell me it was going to be okay, but I was embarrassed at my tears and walked around lost and looking for that freaking pub. Anyway, I finally got there, still all shook up, and when I explained what happened I started crying all over again. Stupid, stupid, stupid…. They said very nice things and asked how my Christmas break was, but I was still mortified and my mind kept coming up blank when they asked about things. I couldn’t hear very well over the TVs and music, either, and so the first half of dinner I just wished I was back in my dorm watching Mad Men (my new obsession). But then it got better. We went to a different place for hot tea, and on the walk over I was able to open up a bit more. Walking and talking one-on-one is where I really feel comfortable, I’ve realized. Then there was the drag show—it was so funny! I won’t go too in-depth, but I will say it was comforting to be in an environment where people didn’t give a damn about sexuality or orientation, gender roles, and whether or not people were looking when they were dancing all up on the queens.
The bump on my head has gone, but there’s a scrape and tenderness, in case you were wondering. I guess to wrap up this post I’ll just say that I hope my loneliness fades as quickly as my recent head injury, haha. I’m going to do my best to remain optimistic, too. It’s all I can do.
Last night I had a complete mental breakdown.
Saying it like that, so matter-of-fact, makes it sound normal. And I suppose some types of mental breakdowns are normal, I mean everyone loses it from time to time, but this was not one of my semi-regular bouts of “What am I doing with my life?!”. This was straight-up bat-shit crazy.
I was driving in my car for 25 minutes, sobbing, cursing, talking to myself in nonsense….
“This is all a dream just a dream and tomorrow I’ll wake up and try to think of how the car ride home really was and I won’t remember so I’ll picture me just listening to the radio and smiling like I usually do when I’m thinking about [insert boyfriend’s name here] and that will become the reality yes that will be reality and this will be the dream and tomorrow I’ll think of how stupid this is and god how could I be like that, after all that was just some dream and I’ll try to think of how the car ride home really was and I won’t remember so I’ll picture me just listening to the radio and smiling like I usually do when I’m thinking about [insert boyfriend’s name here] and that will become the reality yes that will be reality…”
“I want mommy….I want my mom!….Mommy…I want to go home….I want [insert boyfriend’s name here]! I want [brother’s name]! I want [dog]!….Momma…”
“This isn’t real…this is just a dream…..”
And silence where I would consider doing crazy things like driving my car off the road, and death.
Needless to say again, I was beyond “losing it” and headed straight into “bat-shit crazy”. It is very embarrassing to write about…but a scary enough experience where holding it in would not help at all. Why was I flying off the handle? I had no idea. Lately my emotions have been very extreme. I had only a number of guesses to why this was….1.I was seriously crazy 2.I was pregnant 3.adverse effects from stopping my meds, even though I had been off them weeks. None of these things were especially comforting, as you can imagine.
About the pregnant thing…I wasn’t being totally crazy here, I mean, the possibility was very remote, but there….however, I tend to use pregnancy as the lead source of my anxiety. I convince myself that I could definitely be pregnant, I freak out even more, I add it to my stress, and it becomes one more thing I use to push other people away in my life, because after all, if I was pregnant it would only “become real” once I told people, and who wants that… Basically, it is the crazy part of me trying to gain even more control over my actions, if that makes sense.
About stopping my meds…About two weeks ago I ran out of pills and simply decided to not schedule a doctor’s appointment. See, somehow I’ve convinced myself that my parents hate me because I am on antidepressants and go to therapy. So I quit therapy, quit the pills. Now my parents would like me again, and not be so mad at me all the time, right? And for a week or more it was working…I was happy, and I was happy without being drugged up. And then this week began, where somehow my emotions have completely consumed me, and all of my thoughts. Even my dreams were becoming terrifying…dreams where I would become schizophrenic, dreams where I became a monstrous serial-killer-cannibal….
Maybe it sounds stupid, maybe it sounds fake….but it felt like a looming disaster coming.
Anyway, after that interesting car ride I mentioned above, I arrived home and cried to my mother for over an hour. And I stayed home from school today. And I snuck off when my mother went to run errands and took a pregnancy test, which was negative. And I also took some leftover pills I had of Prozac.
And I slept the entire day. I didn’t remember having any dreams.