As The Doors said, people are strange. And for some reason, all of the people I choose to date are by far the strangest to me. Not in the way a guy singing to himself on the subway is strange, or the way homeless people might talk to lamp posts, but the way someone can appear so normal, so familiar…and still do things that make you scratch your head and say, “What were they thinking?”
Last week Fred and I Skyped. We mostly were just shooting the shit, talking about TV shows and food and his job, but then at one point the fluffy stuff stopped. I forgot what exactly made me say this, but I told him: “There is no us.” “There’s an us,” he said quickly. “What do you mean?” I asked. “Just that there’s an us.” I wasn’t taking that—“But what do you mean?”. “I…” he looked down at his lap and thought for a moment. “I want to be straight forward with everyone before I tell you this…” Oh god, I thought to myself, what is this that he wants to say? Does he mean that he wants to get back together?? That’s insane!
So let’s fast forward in the story. Sunday night he visited me in my college town. He “misses” me. Okay, okay…he says, “I still think it’s possible for us to have a future together.” Uhh….okkkkaaaayyyyy…….he adds, “But I don’t want to get back together.” Then why are we having this conversation???? I was frustrated. What did he think, that I would just fall into his arms, open up my life, my vulnerabilities to him, just because there’s a possibility of a future with him?? He hadn’t thought this through at all.
I asked him about his “friendships” (as he calls them) with Miranda and this other girl he sees. Basically, he still makes out with the one chick whenever she’s in town (but doesn’t fuck her because she’s asexual and they’ve had bad sex in the past), and he still fucks Miranda, even though he keeps telling them he just wants to be friends. Does he realize how completely misleading that is to Miranda?? And as for the other girl, she just sounds like a security blanket for when Miranda gets too “let’s be in a relationship”. Now these are just my assumptions, and they aren’t very nice, but how does he seriously think I would ever consider the “possibility” of a future with him when he still acts like this?? I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Fred doesn’t have friends, he just has people he fucks with (literally and metaphorically).
And I told him, “The thing is, we can talk all night about what we want our futures to be, but that doesn’t mean that it’s going to happen. The only way to get the future you want is to work on it in the present.” And let’s face it, Fred and I’s present lives right now are a mess. We’re both scrambling to figure out our futures, I’m going through my own personal issues/working on being a non-shitty person, he’s juggling these “friendships”, I’m dating different people…and then there’s the same shit that’s always been a problem: we live in two different cities. Not to mention the fact that I don’t trust him, that our communication skills are wack, and we would need to get to know each other all over again, because we’ve changed so much. For once I felt as if I was asking all the right questions, the one thinking things out logically…and I couldn’t believe he drove two hours to “hang out” with me without thinking it through.
But as much as I was frustrated with Fred for not knowing what he wants (again), I wasn’t. I feel like I’ve been making a lot of progress lately. The meds are helping, and I feel stronger. Sometimes when I miss my relationship with Fred it feels like it was all a dream…like that was a different girl, and a different guy. I miss the happiness I shared with him, but the thing is, I don’t think I’ll ever get that same happiness back. I can only go forward, and create new versions of happiness.
I’m going to go back to therapy and work on myself. I’m going to graduate next December, I’m going to spend time with my ex-girlfriend before she leaves for Costa Rica, and I’m going to learn how to be ok with being alone. Even though I love Fred and believe he’s a good person at heart, I refuse to be him. I’m setting these goals, and I WILL make them happen. Because I deserve to be happy.
“Well, I’m prettier than her!!”
Whenever you find yourself saying this, you know you’ve hit some sort of low. Not only because it isn’t a creative insult (which, come on, if you are going to go ahead and be mean at least be smart and witty about it), but it also implies that women receive all of their power and worth through looks, which is total bullshit. However, I will admit, almost every female says this to herself at some point to cope with their jealousy/anger/strong-will-to-shave-off-another-female’s-eyebrows-while-she-sleeps. I know this goes against my feminist principles to insult another female through being more appealing to men, because it is my character that determines my true value, but let’s face it: society teaches girls to want to have sex appeal, and ultimately sets them up to take major blows to the self-esteem. So…I’m just going to tell myself that, despite my ethical arguments.
Why the need for this reassurance? Well, as of today my ex-boyfriend Jack (as in “ass”) announced his new official relationship with this girl I went to high school with. This girl is two years younger, known to hunt down guys who are in relationships, and frankly not as good-looking or intellectual. And who wants that to be the girl some douche bag dumped you for?
Now I know I’m being catty. But I just can’t believe he had someone all lined up to take my place…who does that?!? I slept with that bastard! I got him a stupid Christmas present (which is still in the bag lying in my room–the perfect gift wasted)! He was the guy I gave my full trust and loyalty to after my one year relationship fell apart! I went to him when I was depressed! WHAT AN ASS! So I shouldn’t take it out on this poor girl….but what the hell makes her so good?!?!
I’m working really hard at not being angry at him and not kicking him in the balls. So far the latter has been the more successful of the two. However, Jack and I share friends so I’ve got to suck it up sometime….I’ll just have to be better at faking my obvious distaste, distrust, and disgust. And deep down I don’t even want the stupid bastard. I’m just mad I let him humiliate me. But I’ve just got to tell myself that I will pity him in the end, when I am off having a real college life while he is stuck working at McDonald’s and living at home, dating some silly high school girl. And I will be older and so much more involved in equality issues and fighting social issues like homophobia, the patriarchy, religious hate crime, etc. I will be bad ass and they will be boring!! And you know what?? I’m glad I don’t have to pretend to like sports with that Jackass!
But…you know…working on not being angry….
(I just finished watching all of the Lord of the Rings movies…Legolas seemed appropriate.)
So here’s the plan: I will fake it until I make it. I’m going to look hot as much as laziness will allow, I will indulge in a new pair of jeans I need, I will get that new haircut I’ve been wanting, I’ll throw myself into doing things I enjoy like reading, watching The Office, and discovering new music. And I will remember that I am awesome, and no other girl will change that.
And no guy, either. Because I am worth more than that dumb Jack will ever know. Hail to redemption!!!
(Click below to hear what I’ve been listening to while writing this!)
It is amazing what all can change in a matter of days.
For instance, my grandfather’s death, my two-week trip to Australia, my transition into high school again and again, if I love or hate my dad, and my depression. Who knew that a couple of days could turn everything around so much you can’t even tell the difference between being awake and being asleep. It really just makes you want to stop and catch your breath.
It is amazing what all can change from one conversation.
After having a long talk with my mom, including ten or so minutes of crying, I decided to do something to make myself happy. Something I thought I would never do to get–of all things–happiness. But surreal as it feels, I have decided and acted and am willing to go through the inevitable explosion to come.
I am MOVING ON.
As in done. Finished with Mr. Wrong and going for Mr. Someone New. Well actually not even going for, have gotten. I actually have something pretty concrete here.
Look, I know I rant a lot about guys and their constant run in with a little thing I like to call stupidity (which I have definitely ran into myself; please don’t be offended). That has to be really annoying to read about. “Oh she had some fight with her ex? Big deal. I ate a tuna fish sandwich today, maybe I should write about that. *insert sarcastic face here*” Yet, and yes I am actually going to try to justify this, yet I can’t help but feel lost in these situations, and take advice about my conduct in them very seriously. I don’t want to be stuck with sucky feelings people can dish out, and so to calm down my super-analistic brain I rant. There. Here is the point where you need to stop reading if you don’t care about this crap (although why you would be reading this in the first place would be a fair question to ask).
For nearly a year now, I have desperately tried with my ex boyfriend to make things work. We both loved(love?) each other and were(are, on his part) determined to make things work. We have both gone through mountains of shitty situations in this almost-year, but kept faith in the idea of one day being together and at ease with life.
But here’s the problem. For almost a year I have wanted someone to care for me, to hold me and listen and tolerate my cheesy jokes. And he has wanted something else: me to be with him exclusively, but without the relationship label or any of the responsibility that comes with it. I told him a month ago that I wanted all or nothing. He said he needed some time. So I gave it to him and after a month we are still having the same what-are-we argument.
So, I refuse to be affected by his guilt trips and accusations and shouting. I choose to ignore all of that, stop beating myself up about it, and be with Mr. Someone New. Because so far I’m really happy when I’m with him. I’m happy and interested and excited about life.
Let’s just hope I continue to shove off the people walking all over me…
Eh, I’m up for the challenge.